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Jewish Jokes

The Rabbi in The Confession Booth
A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession.
"I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know.

A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" "Three times." "Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."

Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" "Three times." Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box." Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?" The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."

So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" The woman said, "Twice." Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."

The Cow
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stoppedgiving milk.
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply
again.

So, they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Success
Three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe,and decide to meet again in twenty years to see how they all made out in America.
Twenty years pass-----
The first man asks the second: "Nu? How did you do"? He replies: "Well, you know when I came to this country I had no idea vat to do with myself to
make a living. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein.So I went into the GOLD business. And OY, did I make a FORTUNE!"

He turns to the next man and asks: "Nu? How 'bout you"? He says, "Well like you I had no idea vat I vas going to do in this vast country to make a
living, so I to took my last name. Silverberg. So I went into the Silver business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!"

So they both turned to the last man to ask: "And you? Vat happened to you?"
So the third man said: "Well, I too had no idea how I vas going to make a living here in America, so I looked at my last name. Tailor. I said, dats no good. I never make money as a tailor. So, I went to Shul and prayed. I said, God, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner."
The others asked,"So vat happened?"
The man replied: "Vats da matter? You never heard of LORD & TAYLOR ????????

Jewish Quickies

1. Why do Jewish men die before their wives?	They want to
2. Why do Jewish divores cost so much.	Because they are worth it.
3. Why don't Jews drink?	It interferes with their suffering.
4. A little old Jewish man was hit by a car. While waiting for an ambulance, a policeman tucks a blanket under his head and asks "Are you comfortable?"	The man replied, "I make a nice living."

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